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So, my sister (22) moved in with us this month. She's really good with my daughter who will be two in April, but Cadence seems to have a love hate relationship with her. She has been yelling at, biting, slapping, and pinching my sister. Sometimes she's fine and playing, and then all of a sudden she's a brute. It almost seems like she's treating Melinda like a new sibling. It's kind of funny sometimes, ie, when she's trying to gnaw her way through Melinda's pant leg unprovoked, but... Ug. I'm not sure how to approach this from an attachment view point. Obviously she's bothered about something, maybe jealous. I've just been telling her that I like it when she's NICE, and etc. Any suggestions? A friend of mine has recently begun using time out with her daughter who is a similar age. I'm not sure if she needs more love or more boundaries.
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Unsu...
Re: Acting Out
Mon, January 14, 2008 - 8:46 AMshe is at the age...
i think both are needed., i would start with a firm NO, this is wrong. take her up in your arms and away from where it happened , then give love . my daughter talked really well at 22 mths. we said " use your words to say how you feel, hitting hurts and is wrong, i understand you may be mad, sad, etc..please use your words, hands are not for hitting, (teeth not for biting...).
i wouldn't do a time out, just a remove from scene-with you talking and listening. i only use time outs when all else fails. and these things take time, can't expect instant results, you have to be a broken record sometimes
she is at the age and it is a change, most kids don't take well to change--
patience and good luck!
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Re: Acting Out
Mon, January 14, 2008 - 9:06 AMi love the book "unconditional parenting" by alfie kohn ... and it may work for you.
books.google.com/books
www.alfiekohn.org/up/index.html
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Re: Acting Out
Mon, January 14, 2008 - 9:39 AMFrom a woman who has dealt with the coming and going of lots of room mates and things, I understand how she may be feeling. If she's never had anyone move into the house with you before, it's going to be an adjustment. To her, this is her space that she shares with Mommy and whoever else typically lives in your household, I don't know your particular family situation. When you add someone else to that situation that doesn't go home after a short visit, it kind of throws off their routine. At two, I've noticed most kids like a sense of familiarity and stability in the world around them. I don't know if it's a security thing or what, but I've noticed it with a lot of kids at that age. Give her time. I know it's hard to give her time when all of the sudden she's acting like a monster, but that's what she needs. It's going to take her time to get used to having someone new in the house. Keep on reminding her that those actions aren't nice and that it makes your sister sad when she's mean like that. Remove her from the situation when she's biting, slapping, and pinching. Tell her how it makes everyone feel, and direct her towards something more positive. If she still does it after a couple months of your sister moving in, I'd start to look into other solutions because maybe there's something more there than not having adjusted to having someone new in the house.
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Re: Acting Out
Mon, January 14, 2008 - 12:07 PMShe is testing her boundaries and also she is probably somewhat confused about your relationship with your sister as well as her relationship with her. Are you very big sister like to your sister or is it more of a peer relationship? If it is very big sister like then from your daughter's point of view that is almost like another sibling vying for your attention rather than another adult showering attention on her. This is an adjustment much like getting a new sibling. She also needs to hear from your sister. It is all fine and well for you to use words to explain to her how to be gentle and kind but your sister also needs to (in kind words) assert herself and say "I don't like it when you hurt my body, please use your words and tell me what you want." She needs to understand that she and your sister will have communication without your facilitations. I would encourage the two of them to spend time together and help your sister use the right kind of open language with her so that they establish a respectful relationship on their own. Having you facilitate too often can leave her with the impression that when you are not there she no longer has to behave a certain way. Ultimately you want her to behave kindly towards your sister because she feels she can share her thoughts and ideas with her and express her feelings and not because she is trying to avoid being reprimanded. -
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Re: Acting Out
Mon, January 14, 2008 - 2:27 PMI definitely second having your sister speak up, and explain for herself. Sometimes children can perceive aunts, uncles, and grandparents as easy targets because they let our little ones get away with murder. It might make a difference if Auntie said "do not hit me! hitting hurts" the next time your daughter took a swipe at her. This is a new grown up in her territory and she is going to test her boundaries. She will be testing to see if this person is safe, and if this person is "easy". My daughter just turned two, and boundary testing is pretty much all she does. -
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Re: Acting Out
Mon, January 14, 2008 - 2:35 PMI'm using most of these suggestions already, so I guess we're on the right track. My sister and I were raised with a family daycare in our house, so she is really good with my daughter. I'm trying not to use the word No all the time because it's her favorite word right now, and it's making me nuts. I think what I'm mostly having conflict with is that my sister isn't really an attachment parenting type, so she calls my parenting style "spoiling her." I will just be patient with both of them, I guess. We're all setting new boundaries.
Thanks! -
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Unsu...
Re: Acting Out
Mon, January 14, 2008 - 8:31 PM
ha ha.
oh, yeah. the no, sorry. i guess parenting evolves. i have a five year old now, and though i did my best not to say no when he was a baby/toddler, now he is older and i am picking up shoes left in the kitchen or he is pestering his sister with the fork at dinner, i say " no" more now.
i am sure you guys are doing great, and good luck.
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Re: Acting Out
Mon, January 14, 2008 - 8:41 PM<<I think what I'm mostly having conflict with is that my sister isn't really an attachment parenting type, so she calls my parenting style "spoiling her.">>
This may also be what your daughter is having conflict with in her own way. It may be because she is witnessing your sister not respecting your parenting style or because she is simply having to adjust to your sister's way of dealing with her. Either way that is a lot to process as a small child. -
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Re: Acting Out
Tue, January 15, 2008 - 8:28 AMyes, yes... kids are crazy tension barometers. When I don't feel supported in AP ways or worse then that judged, my son definately picks up on it and will express it in his passionate, raw, willful way of a young child unrepressed. It is usually never ever about kids but adults and their need for peaceful non-violent communication, cooperation, & mutual understanding... family can be the most challenging & potentially the most supportive in other ways. Work it out with your sister & stand your ground & believe in yourself!! We are here for support!!
a good resource i just found you may want to share with your sister is: www.positivediscipline.com
and ofcourse there are many books if she is open at all to reading and understanding where you are coming from... I like "how to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk" by elaine mazlish & adele farber -
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Re: Acting Out
Tue, January 15, 2008 - 9:23 AMI LOVE that "How to Talk.." book!
My kids have always been very grateful when we've said, "You are feeling very angry, huh?" or "It's frustrating when you have to wait for your turn," or "Would you like to have some quiet snuggle time with me?" when things get tense and grouchy.
They can't name their feelings yet, so when we do, they feel understood and so much of the stress gets diffused.
I like the idea of rejecting time-outs for Time-Ins!
Remove the kiddo from the situation, but stay with her and talk through things while snuggling.
Good luck! -
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Re: Acting Out
Tue, January 15, 2008 - 11:54 AMI love that How To Talk....book so much that when my ex roommate was a producer on Nanny 911 I gave it to her and told her she needed to introduce it to her co-workers. -
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Re: Acting Out
Tue, January 15, 2008 - 2:18 PMThanks for all of the input. Things have mellowed out a bit the last couple days. -
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Re: Acting Out
Tue, January 15, 2008 - 2:19 PMAlso, I like the time-in idea better, too, but my daughter screams. Do you let them cry until they calm down, or what? Or do you think that's just counterproductive? I really am not sure. -
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Unsu...
Re: Acting Out
Wed, January 16, 2008 - 4:46 PMyes, my daughter is a crier too....
i let her cry for a minute and then ask her to dry her tears - and she does! then we can talk and hug and go about our business
something about girls i have noticed.. most do not like to be repremanded and cry if they are-i am reading the book that was recommended-- hoping for some good tips there.....
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