i read something somewhere a while back -- i wish i'd saved the article. the gist of it was that praise (nevermind the big kid variety we've been focused on) was often coercive in parenting. while it might make the kid feel good for a second -- indeed, while the kid might become quite dependent on it, it actually took the joy out of certain activities. if before the child just loved to draw, perhaps now she draws hoping to be praised. if before she took joy in her own accomplishments, growing up, learning new skills, now it becomes about some parental pellet of praise. the advice in that piece, as i recall, was to talk to the child about what they were doing -- "wow, interesting, you used a lot of purple today...." and to show your genuine pleasure through involvement while avoiding setting yourself up as the arbiter of "good" and "bad," the dispenser of praise, bequeather or withholder of self esteem, satisfaction, joy in little things and big. by doing so, the article said, you might be able to help your child stay better connected with him or herself, his or her own bliss and perhaps even help him or her avoid a life of chasing after external sources of what naturally lives within us all -- until it's undermined. and sometimes the best way to undermine that solid, clear voice within turns out not be criticism, but rather, perhaps, praise.
of course in this broader societal context, it seems quite natural to be telling our children when they do "good," when they do "bad." but often, the article reminded, what we consider good or bad is what makes our lives easier -- not theirs. (this is a point i am sure is most obvious to most of us here.) at a more subtle level, though, i am thinking of the way babies do naturally look to mom and dad when they roll over, take a step, take a chance. i guess the question is what best to do with that trusting look, the look that puts all the faith in the world in us. how best to serve them in those moments. and how to not do them a disservice in the moments when they are perfectly content looking within.
of course in this broader societal context, it seems quite natural to be telling our children when they do "good," when they do "bad." but often, the article reminded, what we consider good or bad is what makes our lives easier -- not theirs. (this is a point i am sure is most obvious to most of us here.) at a more subtle level, though, i am thinking of the way babies do naturally look to mom and dad when they roll over, take a step, take a chance. i guess the question is what best to do with that trusting look, the look that puts all the faith in the world in us. how best to serve them in those moments. and how to not do them a disservice in the moments when they are perfectly content looking within.
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New York City
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Re: praise
Fri, May 2, 2008 - 7:24 AMThe article is on this page. It is called "5 reasons to Stop Saying Good Job" -
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Re: praise
Fri, May 2, 2008 - 8:30 AMright! thank you! i should have figured. this tribe is where i learn everything about attachment parenting. i should have know.
: )
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Re: praise
Fri, May 2, 2008 - 9:12 AMOnce again I think this is a matter of situation, like saying the word "no." There are a ton of theories about what we should or shouldn't do as parents and as teachers but these theories shouldn't be what guides us. Instead I feel the children and their needs as well as the situation should be what matters.
I find that saying "good job" is totally acceptable if your child has helped to clean the livingroom and they actually did a good job. Don't we all appreciate praise for a job well done? I know if I cook a great meal I like it when someone tells me they appreciate it. I don't however expect that praise for ordering a pizza or throwing something in the microwave. Our children are no less able to differentiate when praise is appropriate and sincere.
I would say it isn't an appropriate choice when a child is finishing eating their food and a parent says "good job." You have to ask yourself why? What is so good about finishing their food? Is it bad if they don't?
The same for when they use the potty. As a teacher and as a parent I just don't feel it is ever appropriate to praise things like potty going because it really isn't a matter of good or bad and the pride in that type of task should be intrinsic and not extrinsic. In a situation like that I will give positive language such as "You did it!" or "Oh wow, you pulled down your own pants."
The same for things like art. If a child is working on a painting or a sculpture I don't say things like "that is beautiful" or "I like that." Instead I say, "It looks like you worked very hard on that" or "I see you used a lot of blue" or " would you like to tell me about your work?" In that way the discussion lets the child know that their work is important and valued but that their ideas and thoughts are the valuable part instead of them focusing on whether or not the adult "likes" what they are doing.
Anyway, again I don't think "good job" is in and of its self a good or bad thing to say but adults should examine the situations and determine what they seek to accomplish by saying "good job" and what the benefit (or deficit) for the child is when we chose to use these words. -
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Re: praise
Fri, May 2, 2008 - 12:04 PMI mostly second the above and would just add that what I figured out works for me is to celebrate with Sam when he seems happy about his own accomplishment. For a while I thought, well, if I never say good job, it seems like I could never tell him I'm happy for him when he masters something he wants to do. I did weed out the phrase good job because now it just makes me think of that article, but it was a good exercise for me, made me search for what I truly, authentically wanted to express. For instance, Sam just learned to play the harmonica, which he's been working at for a while (I mean, he finally figured out hwo to get sound our of it). He was really pleased about that and so was I because I knew how much he wanted to accomplish that, so I clapped and said yay, you are amazing to me!
For me, that's different than saying good job as a contrived way to urge him to keep doing what I want him to do because I want him to do it (eating vegetables, cleaning up a mess, whatever). I've wanted to chime in on the othre discussions here about using bribes and the 'big kid' incentive. It all kind of dovetails into this for me--what is truly authentic and when am I just trying to strongarm my kid into what's convenient for me, or when am I living in partnership with him, finding what works for all of us in the family?
For instance, if I were ready to have him move to his own bed, it wouldn't be my choice to pull out the big kid thing. To me, it feels contrived and like it doesn't really make sense. What's the real honest truth for me in that situation? I need him to do something to make my life easier (and sometimes that's really OK). So I'd say, well, we don't all really fit in the bed any more and I'm thinking this is a good time to try out your very own bed. I have some ideas about how we can make that fun, etc. For me, I think the idea of offering special things to help make the transition more fun is great. I think offering special things only if my child does what I want him to is not so great. Ultimately, it's almost the same scenario, but I would try to avoid making it conditional or non negotiable. Even if you're at the edge of your sanity from sleep deprivation, if you are committed to finding the solution that works for everyone, you will find it. I believe that and I have seen it come true for me over and over and over with my son.
That means, for me, moving beyond getting stuck in the place of thinking either he does this thing (moves to his own bed) or I will suffer (lose my mind from sleep deprivation or whatever). Often, if I change gears I find that there is at least a third, if not a fourth and fifth option I hadn't yet considered.
I don't think I've ever used the phrase big kid with my son. I don't really know what I'd mean by it. I don't think it would have any meaning to him. I don't think he's in a hurry to be a big kid because he has no reason to not like being a little kid, except that he can't reach a lot of th things he'd like to get a hold of. He's not very verbal yet so I don't know about that, but it's my guess. I'm in no hurry for him to be a big kid, nor do I want to keep him a little kid. I just want him to be a happy person on a journey from here to wherever he wants to go. Along the way we'll have to do a lot of problem solving to ensure that everyone in the family can be comfortable and I'm sure I'll make many errors, already have, but I work pretty much every day at not using things like bribery, praise, rewards or any other kind of coersion to reach my own comfort zone. These things are far gentler than physical punishment, but they still support a top heavy power dynamic with which I personally just don't feel comfortable.
The other thing about bribery and praise is that it may encourage a child to be motivated by extrinsic factors rather than intrinsic values. That is, I'd like my son to make choices based on what feels right and good rather than on what will get him a new toy or a kind word or worse, keep him from being punished. So I am generous with kind words as long as they are authentic, I give them whenever they occur to me, and I am generous with things as long as they are within my means and I facilitate his getting them whenever it seems natural and fun to do so. I hope I won't ever make either things or kind words into commodities I can barter to get what I want from my kid.
Sorry this is so long, I've been reading these threads and thinking, but hadn't had time to post.
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